Mr Mystery's Guide to Crime
by mihane100
Summary: We've all seen the Gravity Falls' animated shorts 'Dipper's Guide To The Unexplained' and 'Mabel's Guide to Life', right? Well what if a certain Mr Mystery and con-man extraordinaire was feeling a little left out and decided to film a little something of his own? Remember kids: it's not illegal if the cops don't know! (Currently a one shot.)


**Mr Mystery's Guide to Crime**

_Episode 1- Not Getting Caught_

It was a lazy Sunday afternoon. The Mystery Shack wasn't open today and, with lack of anything better to do than commit tax fraud, Stanford Pines, the self proclaimed 'Mr Mystery', decided to finally put that old video camera to good use.

"Hey, suckers. I- wait, is this thing on?" He frowned at the camera. "Soos, this don't look like it's on! How do ya work this thingamajig?"

Soos, happy to be of use, eagerly ran into the man's office and picked up the camera.

He put his hand on the device and gestured to a large button at the front of it.

"Oh, it's super easy Mr Pines." He pushed a fat finger down onto the button. "Button goes in, video comes on."

The camera fizzed into life, light glowing green.

"Button goes in, video comes on." He turned it off and then back on again repeatedly, as if to demonstrate his point. "In, on. In, on, In..."

The man-child proceeded to demonstrate this for about ten minutes. At which point, Stan thought he'd gotten the point.

"Okay, Soos. I get it." He was about to tell Soos to leave, when he realised how excited the handyman looked. The old man sighed to himself. He couldn't crush the guy's dreams like that.

"But you seem to know what you're doin'," Stan continued. "Why don't you film it _for _me? I mean, uh, I can't be my _amazing_ self AND hold a camera to my face at the same time, after all."

Soos grinned like a kid at Christmas. "Yush!" He pumped a fist in the air and then tried his best impression of Batman. "Soos, the handyman to the Mystery Shack, is there when he is needed. If something needs fixing, he will be there. If something needs filming, he... will also be there. If-"

Stan rolled his eyes. "-Soos, we don't have all day, here." He paused. "Well, we _do_, but I don't want to be spending all day on this."

The handyman nodded. "Okay, Mr Pines!" Without giving the man a second to prepare for his video debut, Soos pressed the button again and quickly blurted out; "123andaction!"

The camera quickly fizzed into life, light above it glowing a bright green. Stan took a step back and almost bumped into his desk.

"Wha-augh...um...hi." He coughed to compose himself. "Hello." He waved, re-assuming his cocky demeanor. "Most of you probably know me as Mr Mystery, owner of the...um...BRAZILLIANT Mystery Shack," Soos tried not to laugh at Stan's attempt at being 'cool', "but law enforcement know me as Stan Pines, con artist extraordinaire. Today, I'm gonna explain to you suckers the first rule of 'Mr Mystery's Guide to Crime'." He pointed seriously at the camera.

"Don't get caught." He put his hands on his hips. "Seriously, jail sucks."

Just as those words left his mouth, the door was violently burst open by none other than Sheriff Blubs and Deputy Durland. "Put your hands in the air, Mr Pines!"

Stan laughed nervously at the camera and gestured for Soos to stop filming, but the man, not quite getting what the hand gestures meant, merely shrugged and continued to record.

"Officers! What, uh, brings you here?"

Blubs straightened his sunglasses in a way that he hoped made him look more official.

It didn't.

"You are under arrest for _somehow_ managing to commit tax fraud for _thirty years_."

"What? I've never committed tax fraud in my life." He cut himself off when he saw Durland take out a pair of handcuffs. Oh cripes.

"I would nev-KIDS!" Not needing to be called twice, the twins ran into his office.

Mabel was the first to question what the heck was going on, pulling on her fluffy purple dog sweater. "Oh man, not again!"

Stan would have laughed at the pout, had he not been in more trouble.

"Officers, you've got it all wrong. My uncle would never-" Dipper's eyes caught sight of stack of papers on the floor next to him and quickly shoved them behind his back. "H-he would never do that. Nope."

The Sheriff and Deputy didn't seem to notice. Dipper winked at his twin and shuffled his way to stand next to his Grunkle, while Mabel proceeded to give the two officers a long rant about the importance of trusting people more.

While they were distracted, the boy handed Stan the papers, who quickly shoved them into the shredder.

"You've gotta be more subtle, man."

Stan ruffled the boy's hair affectionately and smirked. People could say what they wanted about these kids, but they were always there when he needed them.

Putting his hands on his hips, Stan put a frown on his face and looked over at Mabel. It seemed she was now showing them her sticker collection. Maybe those guys had suffered enough.

"Well officers, if you're done searchin', can I get back to… um… filing the paperwork, now?"

"I don't know…" commented Blubs. "I don't think we're qui-"

"WHAT did I say about TRUSTING people?" was Mabel's exclamation, now sounding surprisingly more aggressive than she had before. "Do ya want me to explain it to ya again? Huh? Do ya?"

Durland laughed nervously and started edging towards the door with his partner. "Ah, um… no. No. We'll...uh... be goin' now. Right, Blubs?"

The other man nodded. "Er, haha, yeah. Yeah. Uh, don't make us visit you again."

With that, they were gone. Upon hearing the front door slam shut, the Pines family and Soos each simultaneously let out a large sigh of relief.

"Well, that happened."

Mabel grinned at her great uncle. "Hey, you know since we helped you not get arrested, can we order takeout?"

The man smirked. "Okay. I guess this one time, I can spare some money for you kids. Now get out my office."

Dipper grinned. "Thanks Grunkle Stan! I like my pizza with pepperoni!"

With that, the twins cheered at the prospect of edible food and made their way back to their room.

Stan sighed and chuckled. He hated to admit it, but those kids were his weak spot. He heard a buzzing noise and looked up.

"Soos, why are you still- ah, what the heck." He smirked at the camera. "How not to get caught: Get your niece and nephew to distract the cops while you destroy the evidence!"

With a laugh, Soos pressed the stop button and turned the camera off.


End file.
